Thoughts on memory...

I am always trying to forget.

Alcohol numbs memory and I use it to blot out memory, reality.

Confusion kills memory.

Lies delude memory.

Memories: I didn't practice my instruments when I was a kid because my dad objected to the "noise" and so I harborded resentment at the same time that I felt guilty at school for not practicing, so that everywhere I was the one at fault instead of confronting one situation or the other.

I have moments of lucidity when such recollections break through and I then try to recovere from them by behaving badly.

I also remember various aspects of teasing from my older brother which seemed to me at the time to be torture, assaults on my masculinity when, in front of our priest's daughter, my brother referred to be as a "little faggot" or something similarly demeaning. And I still cannot get too close to my birth family because of all the issues between my parents...